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I've been out for about a year now and the whole year I have had my heart set on one woman. Everyone tells me its because she was my first and that I need to get over it. We never dated, but we got to know each other very well and I realized that I fell in love with her. She told me that she had nothing to offer me and that I needed to stop. I would write to her, call her, invite her places, buy her special things, and do anything that I could to show her she was always on my thoughts. Just recently, we stopped talking for like the third time and this time, I realized that she doesn't deserve what I have to offer. I hate to feel that way, but like she said I need to send my energy in a different direction. The friendship that we had and all the special moments we shared makes it hard for me to move on and her coming in and out of my life makes it difficult for me to believe she really wants me out of her life. I made the biggest mistake when I tried to change her and show her that even though she had a bad previous experience with someone else (for 5 years), that I could make it better and love her unconditionally. Now, I realized I made a mistake but I was being real! I want to know or hear from others how they would cope with something like this because I still love her but I know I need to worry about my feelings and emotions first.
Thanks,
CR
She has obviously made it clear that nothing can come of a relationship with you two. I think you are right, that you should move on. It's a lot harder than it sounds, I know, but I think a few years from now you'll be saying to yourself "Why did I do that?". One thing I learned is that no matter how good I may be to someone, or how much I love them, I cannot change their feelings or their heart. You can scream and shout at someone till you loose your voice but if the person is deaf then they won't hear it. My advice to you is this: you just came out, take the time and energy you've been spending on this girl and use it to get to know yourself better.
- Ann NeverLanders
Your letter was very interesting and I am sure this is not an uncommon problem. I know it is a very major one for you though and thank you for sharing it with us all at Neverland. It does sound to me as though you are seeing things very clearly and coping very well. You said that you had been "out" for a year and that time had been filled with your relationship with this woman. My instinct is to think that even though you can stand back and NOW see and accept things as they are, your pursual of her has really been your focus. This "romance" has not only prevented you from finding someone that can give you what you need but this situation has also kept you safe. That is to say that as long as you are enamored with this one particular person (whether it is reciprocal or not) you do not have to feel alone, venture out into the big wide world exposing yourself to new people and possible rejection. Sometimes it's just easier to hang onto our safety nets but that's also understandable and very human.
I think you do have a solid grip on things and I think you will find as time goes on and you leave yourself open to new experiences, the want for this other woman will fade. Limiting your contact with this woman might seem harsh at the moment but it's probably in your best interest to do so. If she cares for you, she will understand that, if she doesn't, another good reason to let her go. I often see some relationships as stepping stones to greater things and I am sure your time with your "friend" has really helped you with
your coming out and in your getting to know yourself process so it has had its benefits for certain. It is hard to love someone who doesn't love us back and harder to let go of the ideal of what we thought we had or might have had. Trust your instincts too, get out and about, meet people and before you know it, someone will come along who will be so excited by what you have to offer, your first love will soon become, (what most of our firsts have), a treasured memory. Hope that helps *S
-Dr. Phillipa
If you have a problem or question that you would like answered, question or thoughts to advice@fly2neverland.com and we will feature your question in our next issue.
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