Lesbian Poetry

Heavy Sigh's Poem

Slowly..slowly..the sadness is seeping in and sifting down and settling all around me
like a fine blanket of dust.
And...I pull the blanket higher, even though it suffocates me,
because the fear of not being able to breathe, is not as great
as the fear of being uncovered.

Somewhere deep inside myself I feel it coming.
Some emotional tidal wave will try to wash me out to sea.
And I know I should be searching,
for some vacant palm to tie myself to...
But somehow I lack the energy.

Though I'm aware of the relative security, just beyond these wicked shores,
I stand here calmly waiting to be slammed down, and drowned once more.

But that is so unlike me. Anyone whoever knew me, would more than likely tell you,
That just before the impact, I would turn and face the sea.
With all the strength left inside me, I would dare it
to knock my feet from under me.

You can't fight the water for too long.
Eventually, the water's going to win.
So finally I just cease to struggle.
That's how enemies become friends.

And I pull the waves up higher, even though they terrify me,
because the fear of drowning, is not as great
as the fear of being uncovered.

Before I even get my breath back, I walk out on some darkened limb,
and fall so far from grace.
And I pray for some unknown hero to come,
and save me from this place.

What a scary revelation, to think how many times
I've fallen down before.
It's not so much the fear of falling,
as it is the fear of falling more.

...and Jesus Christ it hurts me,
but I can't feel or cry or up and walk away...
I know if I keep my eyes shut, I'll never see
the sunlight lead the way.

Finally I focus in my prison.
And with great shame I realize where I'm at.
Inside an empty cell of my own making.
I'm just not sure how to deal with that.

How can I escape my self made prison?
The walls are thick and made with blood and time.
I must search in and of myself for answers,
I'm well aware that all this blood is mine.

Overhead a sunbeam shatters darkness.
It gives to me some hopes of getting out.
And laying here it all just seems so easy.
But easy's not what my lifes all about.

I know the climb is gonna kill me.
The steps are small and far and few between.
But I get out cause there's no other option.
Then the rain comes down to comfort and to clean.

Suddenly the rain turns cold and acid.
And melts the skin from my broken bones.
My soul..

....prepares to leave me.
I can't go , my soul must go...

But hat is so unlike me. Anyone whoever knew me, would more than likely tell you,
that just before the cloudburst, I would chase away the rain.
With all the strength left inside me, I would save the world
from looking at my pain.

You can't fight yourself for too long.
Eventually yourself is going to lose.
Peace and chaos reach down to embrace me...
...Peace is the hug that I will choose.

And I pull the rain up higher, even though it wants to leave me,
Because the fear of knowing how far I've fallen, is not as great
as the fear of being left alone.

At last, I fall down exhausted.
Wanting nothing but the sleep my body craves.
It's not the sleeping, but the trying to,
that really makes me brave.

But sleep...it avoids and it's elusive;
One eye always open and my back against the wall.
In the dark, I fear the touch of strangers.
There's no way to escape that at all.

So if I drift off and never waken,
To a place where I don't have to dream,
I'll have learned to accept, the unacceptable,
I'll go without a single scream.

But that is so unlike me. Anyone whoever knew me, would more than likely tell you,
that I lived through that nightmare, just to see the other side.
I've long since made friends with darkness, and with friends
of darkness I will hide.

You can't fight sleep forever.
Eventually the sandman, will take my empty hand.
And lead me down into unconsciousness;
After I throw caution to the wind.

And I pull the sleep up higher, even though it kicks and kisses,
because the fear of being slapped,
by the hand that once caressed me, is not as great
as the fear of having never been touched at all.

Slowly..slowly...the sadness is seeping in and sifting down and settling all
around me, like a fine blanket of truth.
I pull the blanket higher, even though it wounds me,
because the fear of not being able to love, is not as great
as the fear of wanting to so badly.